This Week in Milford

May 17, 2022

(Ahem) Speaking Of Being Late, Gil.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 11:53 am

Who is minding the store around here? Remember Fast Times at Ridgemont High when Brad (Judge Reinhold) is working at a convenience store and some maniac robber comes in to hold up the store? Brad is blatantly clueless as he desperately tries to dig out money out of the cash drawer, the maniac threatening to pull the trigger anytime, and probably would but Spicoli (Sean Penn) walks in, unbeknownst to what’s going on. That’s Brad’s window of opportunity as the maniac is distracted, enabling Brad to fling hot water out of a brewing coffee pot at the maniac’s eyes. Justice is served.

That’s really what we need to do with the art and plot, take your pick which one you want to throw the scalding water at first, one is working hand-in-hand incompetently with the other.

Let’s knock out what is more obvious than meets the eye. 38 almost has to mean 3rd base and Ron Cey (The Penguin, baby-shoulda seen that penguin gait when he was trying to stretch a hit into a double) handled a lot of choppers in his day at that position, either when he was with the Dodgers or the Cubs. We’ll put this one to bed because I’m going to give Thorpiverse the benefit of the doubt, I don’t think T-verse had “high chopper to the center fielder” in mind when describing the action. Can you imagine Harry Caray after 10 Buds sloshing out “Thersh a smash to the catcher”? And c’mon, there’s a base right there, and you only have 3 of them plus home plate. Again, there’s no high chopper to home plate that I’m aware of, so take your pick, first, second, or third. I’m picking third.

Now here’s where it gets interesting. As the readers have mentioned, there’s no baseline at the base and I never try to intrude on my colleagues’ posts because I think they’re hilarious anyway but in order to illustrate my point, I have to point out that picture where (presumably) Lehto is fielding the ball. It actually looks like where 2nd could be and evidently the artwork never took into account there are baselines when you start the game. But hey, maybe they didn’t have kids like the readers at TWIM did that played baseball so details like that are similar to a teenager not using Clearasil to zap his zits because he’ll get a date to the prom anyway. Good thinking. You got more pimples than Gil’s absences on your face, no problem, she’ll slow dance with you to Alan Parsons Project’s “Time Keeps Flowing Like A River” when the lights dim low. And Gil came back to the game after his consultation with the IRS. It wasn’t deemed tax evasion this time, thank goodness.

Here’s where Gregg Hamm enters the picture. Since he’s right-handed (this week anyway) , it would only be logical that he’s in a better position to field balls such as slow rollers, high choppers, flares, bunt attempts from the right side. And in a perfect world, Gregg would field aforementioned situations, throw cleanly to first, inning over.

Were it only that simple in Thorpiverse. We never really know that the ball really should have been fielded by Hamm until Gil himself shows up in P2 after using all his sick days that the union negotiated with Thorpiverse over and expresses his bitching in the disguise of concern. We are left with bases that are out of order, .38 Special singing “So Caught Up In You” rather than Hamm taking the mike, and if that’s not enough, New Thayer stealing Milford’s uniforms. Well, that’s what happens when Gil is hors de combat because he really doesn’t give a hang and therefore is a non-entity, again, nobody is minding the store.

As long as I am compelled to break down what a baseball diamond should look like (bleachers right behind 2nd base?) , I have job security for as long as the readers keep me on staff. I thought Alice in Wonderland was confusing.

And with Gil disappearing on us, you KNOW it was only a matter of time before Gil-sightings were going to be a common occurence, certainly as common as third base being where second base normally is and outfield fences right behind the pitcher’s mound. Dude, if Hamm is blind, I’d hate for him to crash into the wall on a comebacker to the mound. Pop-ups to the pitcher at the warning track? Artwork in Thorpiverse at its premium. Anyway

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Swears He Saw Gil And Elvis Recently In Milford!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I saw them both at The Diner. Gil ordered poached eggs, Elvis ordered a BLT. Maureen took their order. Gil’s a lousy tipper, BTW. Gave her an autographed catcher’s mitt.”

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And Thorpiverse, as long as we’re going to play musical chairs with the baseball uniforms, can the We Think He’s One Of Us first baseman in P1 not remind me of Gumby? The Spinners once sang of “The Rubber Band Man”. I think his grandson is playing 1st base for Milford (or New Thayer, depending on whether the color-blind artist just arrived back at the studio off vacation) . Hand me down my walking cane, Gil.

Remember the Mr. Blue Sky video from ELO? Jeff Lynne just released never-before shown camera scenes and you’re getting a sample in P1. Mr. Blue Sky with a telephone pole for a leg, how nice. I know a first baseman has to many times stretch to get the throw and as long he doesn’t resemble a jigsaw puzzle with a couple of pieces out of place and hope to God nobody’s noticing, baseball will be the better for it. With his configuration, he has no future as a Nick’s Pizza driver. Once he has the pizzas secured, where’s he going to fit his legs? How would he operate the accelerator pedal? Shoot, he’d have to use the emergency brake because his lower appendages would have no access to a conventional braking system.

While we are heavily engaged in Gil-sightings (seen playing one-on-one basketball with Bigfoot at an outdoor court in Yellowstone while the general public was feeding the moose) , Gang, I thought this was a joke until I saw the comic heading, Mark Trail. Evidently, the latest villain is (brace yourself) Surfsquatch. I kid you not. Trying to follow the storyline, Surfsquatch was once a human surfer who ran into one big wave too many and came back as Bigfoot with a surfboard. Is Mark Trail grasping at straws for readership? That’s right, he dumped his wife and the kids, failed to renew his membership at Milford Country Club and rode the big one at Mudlark Lake and returned as Gilsquatch. The subscription rates will shoot through the roof.

I remember when Batman was in a surfing contest with The Joker and, okay, The Joker looked out of place riding on a surfboard in the same apparel he robs Gotham City Federal with but I’ll swallow it. Batman in his apparel with tacky-colored surfing trunks added to it ridin’ the waves probably explained why the show was on the decline. Kinda like Dennis the Menace in his regular overall outfit with Don Corleone Armani pants worn over that. Anyway

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Patrons At Milford Public Pool Claim They Witnessed Surfsquatch And Gil Jump Off The High Dive!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Spokesperson: ‘Many speculate that they were practicing Synchronized Diving for the upcoming Milford Municipal Games event but reports have been unconfirmed at this point.'”

Gil, okay, Gregg was late on the jump because he’s blind as a Gil and simple grounders roll by because he can’t make it back to the dugout without his seeing-eye dog but you have had a late jump on reality. We can get a seeing-eye dog for Gregg and Maynard G. Krebs can come up with another trick or two up his sleeve, problem solved. Paint the baseballs bright orange-red and sneak them in the umpire bag when no one’s looking. We can’t sneak dependability in with the indicator and umpire brush.

Gil, show up for the games. And while we’re on a roll, show up PERIOD. It is a farce to watch Coach Kaz in full baseball uniform while you show up in the 3rd base box in the casual look WHEN YOU SHOW UP AT ALL. Nobody’s on the same page because the pages are all blank. Gil, we have this invention called a schedule and we pretty much live by it if we don’t want chaos or ball fields drawn by Salvador Dali. The Three Musician sitting in the bleachers behind the pitcher’s mound. Don’t forget to punch in this time, Gil.

At Dr. Pearl’s office as Supergrass’ “We’re Alright” is playing off her 1898 ghetto blaster

” Dr. Pearl!!!!!!!! Gil was sighted out at Mudlark Lake. He was climbing into a UFO.”

“Splendid!!!!!! Would you kindly inform him he has Before School Duty at the bus drop-off?”

As several of the readers have mentioned, Gil, okay, Gregg can’t see and fielding bunts is an adventure whenever he is on the bump but that’s why you have pre-season practice to detect what’s been obvious to everybody but you. That’s what happens when you play Bigfoot, nobody’s expecting Bigfoot to lead practices or the game itself. Maybe he was there, maybe he wasn’t and even then, the eyewitness reports were conflicting. He was wearing a floppy hat. He was wearing a Yankeee cap. He was scratching himself. He was pretending he was playing a guitar. He went to bed with Mimi. He went to bed with Dr. Pearl when Mister Doctor Pearl went to a Gun Owners Convention. He went to sleep when he was working on sliding drills. He left early to go get his car at Grease Monkey. He left early in the teams’ hour of need and they got greased. He stopped the practice for a Nick’s Pizza break. He stopped the Nick’s Pizza van from running over the bats on the field. Well, at least the Nick’s Pizza driver wasn’t scratching himself.

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Insists He Saw Surfsquatch Surfing In Swimming Pool At Milford Luxury Condos!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Man, I thought Batman looked ugly surfing in them swim trunks he bought at Gotham City Goodwill but Surfsquatch catchin’ a wave in a thong bikini? Don’t even go there.”

Here is where it gets more confusing as the uniform-swapping charade continues. Gregg was pitching in Mudlark Red the day before but that’s clearly a New Thayer runner in P1 if Thorpiverse is telling the truth (holding my breath as long as I can) . Shifting over to P3, is that STILL New Thayer? God only knows. We have only the caption to apprise us and that’s pretty much the blind leading the blind at this point. Now if I had to cast my ballot, I think it is indeed New Thayer at bat and judging by the tone, this one’s not heading over Waveland Avenue but heading toward’s Gregg’s head. What else could a predictable, silly script with kindergarten artwork be saying? Yeah, the New Thayer myrmidon hit a grand slam but Gregg’s blindness is hush-hush for another inning. New Thayer will proceed to win, 19-3, and Gregg can dodge questions about his blindness with Heather. Like she could videotape the inside of his eye with that stupid camcorder she used at her parents’ wedding vow renewal.

“And we’ll be back after these messages with the score, Milford, 3, New Thayer, 1. I thought I’d seen it all and Gregg isn’t seeing anything. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

“Y’know, it’s pretty damn sad when Coach Thorp not only shows up in those wussy Jordaches when he shows up at all but doesn’t make his presence known the rest of the time. I’m used to this pussy playing possum on us all and God only knows how Tod Andrews put up with it.

Then he calls me and asks if I would do the Milford Beverage Warehouse commercial, I asked him if he was sick. Turns out after the first take, I caught him pitching pennies in the alley behind Milford Federal. He not only pussied out on this commercial, he couldn’t beat a bunch of skid row bums. What do you tell the players? Coach is absent because he couldn’t throw a nickel in the dumpster?

And here I am, Coach Kaz, speaking in lieu of Coach Thorp for Milford Beverage Warehouse. The Warehouse management was so upset with Gil not accepting the latest offer to continue, they threatened a lawsuit. I mean, c’mon, if they threw in an extra case of Mike’s Hard Lemonade, I’d snatch it up in a heartbeat. Knowing their goose was cooked and their Bud was brewed in a pot with some leftover Frito’s Chili Chips, they channeled their anger towards saving money for excellent customers like you. They wouldn’t let someone who shows up less than the Wink Martindale statue up front prevent our loyal customers from opportunities at The Good Life. Plus, they had a mortgage payment due and cryin’ and bitchin’ was only going to get them evicted.

And with all these Bigfoot and Yeti and Surfsquatch floating around like a lukewarm Fresca in your martini glass, The Warehouse decided to promote an exciting deal, Surfsquatch and Suds Go Together Like Gil And Choking The Chicken.

Here’s the deal. If you bring in a picture of Bigfoot, The Warehouse will knock off one dollar off your purchase of Jim Beam Premium Cinnamon Whiskey. People, grab those cameras and wait in your backyard. If Bigfoot is on another block, just take a picture of a squirrel and touch up the photograph with a magic marker and tell the cashier Bigfoot likes acorns. Who’s going to know the difference? Or go to Milford Museum of Natural History. If all I have to do is take a picture of some Cro-Magnon man in the Pleistocene section and say he was running around the museim threatening to eat the kids in the tour group to get some Grade A whiskey, so be it.

Bring in that picture of Surfsquatch and you’ll get a 30-Pak of Busch Light at 20% off. Just slap some bikini brief on your neighbor with more hair on him than a sheep dog and it should pass for legitimate. Brother, have him pose next to the Wink Martindale statue like he’s threatening to run Wink over with his surfboard and you’re just as good as popping open that first one, with some Chuckles and Milford Valley Beer Nuts thrown in.

Maybe Surfsquatch is a wine-and-cheese wimp like Gil. No problem, bring in a photo of Surfsquatch or other unconfirmed sighting and a Coppola Diamond Bota Rita Margarita Delarosa di Roma di Italia is yours for the taking, especially after two dollars have been knocked off the original price. Surely you can catch Elvis stepping a UFO to go take a piss. They can’t fly around the universe forever. Even Surfsquatch has to get out of the ocean to go take a dump behind the beach house.

What are you waiting for? Gil to return? You’re better off watching Batman beat Surfsquatch in the 60-and-over competition. Come leave Gil in the dust and take advantage of these deals today. I know I’m getting my camera after I get done with this commercial. The first picture I’m shooting is Gil not at the dugout. I can confirm that one. Come get your own confirmation and drink it too, only at Milford Beverage Warehouse.”

Gang, THANK YOU for your support when I was out on the road for my dad. I worked my a– off to finish this post because you deserve my best efforts. God bless you all.


  1. Not sure if that’s a Milford batter or a batter from the other team, since the colors switch around so much lately, but if it’s the opposing team, maybe this is when Greggy gets bonked by a batted ball, causing old mann Hamm to run on the field and check his condition, all the while being photographed by the local bird cage liner ‘photo folks’, tying this all together exposing him to whoever is looking for him.

    Comment by franku2016 — May 17, 2022 @ 2:46 pm

  2. Unbelievable. Another switch of P1. And why is Gregg being bitched at for not getting to a ball that went all the way to third base? (Although in yesterday’s artwork is was second base!) I’m going to assume that is supposed to be a New Thayer hitter in P3, despite him wearing a Milford jersey. So tomorrow is what we’ve been waiting for? Gregg gets drilled by this hit and it’s the end of this stupid hiding of his blindness.

    Comment by MopMan — May 17, 2022 @ 3:26 pm

  3. I’m confused why Ggerg is getting bitched at too. It’s not a play where he would need to cover first base. Only explanation is Gil is a hammered angry drunk.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — May 17, 2022 @ 3:51 pm

  4. 1. As always, Gilberto is weeks late to the party… How does he draw a paycheck for doing so little work, again??

    2. That’s my other question — There is no way in hell that Gregg could even see who he should be backing up on a hit to the outfield with runners on… So why hasn’t Gilberto noticed his ace pitcher always standing on the mound with his thumb up his ass and a confused look on his face any time the ball is in play? Hell, why hasn’t he taken a line drive off the noggin yet?

    Comment by Hitorque — May 17, 2022 @ 5:38 pm

  5. And you’re going to tell me that all preseason and season Milford has never practiced the pitcher covering first base? Or hit grounders to the pitchers? Or even have Gregg take batting practice? Because he would fail spectacularly at all of these things.

    Comment by MopMan — May 17, 2022 @ 8:37 pm

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