This Week in Milford

August 11, 2022

Are Your Fingers Frostbitten Here In Hell?

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 1:10 pm

Let me get this out of the way now. Don’t call them The Eagles. They have insisted for eons they are simply Eagles.

That said, they were a very popular and really a flat-out consummate Classic Rock band with classics like “Takin’ it Easy”, “Hotel California”, “Peaceful Easy Feelin'”, and “Tequila Sunrise”. Factor in Joe Walsh’s “In The City” (Walsh joined the band in the late ’70’s, his scorching guitar prominent on “Hotel California”) , and you had a winning formula.

The problem, as typical when several human beings are on the road forever with little time for R & R, was that everybody was getting on everybody’s nerves. When they broke up in 1980, Don Henley, the drummer, was asked if they would ever reunite. Henley snappily replied “When Hell freezes over.”

So they went their separate ways. Henley scored hits with “The Boys of Summer” and “The End of the Innocence”. Glenn Frey, the lead guitarist and co-writer with Henley on much of Eagles’ songlist, scored solo gems with “The Heat is On” and “You Belong to the City”. Joe Walsh released solid albums such as “There Goes The Neighborhood” (which included the Classic Rock hits “Life of Illusion” and “The River Runs Dry”) and “You Bought It, You Name It”.

Travis Tritt got the ball rolling, unwittingly, on a reunion. In 1994, members of Eagles agreed to play with Tritt several of their songs in concerts intended partially as a tribute which prompted all involved about a possible Eagles revival. Some ‘i’ dotting and ‘t’ crossing brought that revival to a reality. When Frey, Henley, Walsh, plus Timothy B. Schmit and Don Felder got back on stage, Frey sent the fans reeling in laughter when he announced “Folks, we just took a 14-year vacation.” The tour was aptly named “Hell Freezes Over Tour”.

Hell is most definitely freezing here in Milford as Marty Moon is staunchly defending Gil Thorp. When did anyone EVER see Marty Moon take the high road? I understand Japanese tourists are taking snapshots of this Frigidaire In Hades moment and taking it back to their homes to stick in their scrapbooks.

I was expecting yesterday’s panel to just be a speed bump and Marty to come to his senses today ready for venom and tell Luke Lunkhead “I was just funnin’ with you. Did Beth the Bartender take off her clothes?”. But nooooooooooooo, Marty is serious in his Gallant role, shelving his Goofus role that has served him well for 60 years and stashing it under the interview table. What are they going to do now, schedule a Jousting Tournament in the WDIG parking lot to defend Gil’s honor? That’d be like Alexander Hamilton, a staunch Federalist, agreeing to a duel with Aaron Burr because Burr issued some slurs about the AFL-CIO chief’s mother. Don’t you talk about that union steward’s extramarital affairs, Burr, if you don’t want me to pump you full of buckshot here in these New Jersey woods. I have my principles.

Sure you do, Marty.

Speaking of Gil and his wife (for now) , there was a hilarious sign posted in the Black Forest in Germany, evidently by a German who was still getting his Ph.D. in the English Language, that read

“It is strictly forbidden on our Black Forest camping site that people of different gender, for instance men and women, live together in one tent unless they are married with each other for that purpose.”

In other words, you Martians can violate each other all you want with no notarized proof of matrimony needed as long as you remember to put out the campfire when you fly back to Mars, but everybody else better keep their pants on and/or sleep in separate tents if you can’t provide the proper documents. Don’t let that legal piece of paper get lost in the bag with the rest of the marshmallow packages. And marrying not out of love but because you were tired of snoozing under the sink at Milford Soup Kitchen and wanted a warmer place to sleep is Verboten.

Anyway

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp And Wife Detained By BundesRepublikPark Polizei Concerning Legal Issues At Schwarzwald Camping Area!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Polizei Spokesperson: ‘Herr Thorp claimed he is married to Fraulein Mimi and lost his marriage license at Customs. They were in heavy petting in the pup tent when we staged the raid.”

Of course, Luke Leatherhead For Lack Of An Appropriate Latino Name has to make this a standoff. What were we to expect otherwise? Like Luke Leatherhead had attended Milford Dale Carnegie Institute and was going to choose his words carefully. He did a better job choosing the barber who shaved his arms. Geez, did the barber use a rolling pin? Be that as it may, Luke Leatherhead is not about to back down and judging by the tone, if this were Milford Lounge, Marty would have a barstool smashed over his head. I reckon that’s better than Luke Leatherhead’s barber attempting to trim Moon’s beard with a Play-Doh knife.

Ten paces by the WDIG dumpster, turn and fire your paintball gun. Loser apologizes and cleans the winner’s just-smeared outfit. And buys the sloppy joes at the two-a-days.

If ya kin turn up yore marriage cert’ficate outta the deer ya just gutted at Milford Fish & Wildlife Area and keep the conservation office frum throwin’ you and yore honey’s derry-ays in the can, ya might be a redneck.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Coach Thorp Calls Attorney, Agrees To House Arrest In Schwarzwald Cabin Until Further Notice!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Polizei Spokesperson: ”They have been instructed to take showers at least half an hour from each other. Also, a deputy will occasionally drop in at night to ensure they sleep in separate bunks.”

Okay, Marty, stop kidding around. We know you went to the altar at the Billy Graham Crusade at Milford Outdoor Amphitheater and decided to turn over a new leaf. You received a shiny new Bible and a Chick Publication tract “How to Survive the First Year as a Child of God in Milford”. ANOTHER panel where you are bearing the cross for Coach Thorp? Thank God I remembered to brew some more coffee.

Being a Christian, I’ll admit I do EVERYTHING to encourage a person to grow in the Faith. I won’t die on the Cross, that’s already been done, but I try to do my part to help another newborn in Christ.

But how long are we to actually believe that Marty would crusade for Coach, especially when it appears he’s just trying to shut up a loudmouth? Okay, Luke, Gil’s a cheat but he still showed a 103-year-old doyen from Tunisia how to putt at MCC. He pulls talons from baby eagles but I saw him at the bowling alley fixing the structures during bumper bowling. Let’s call a truce, Luke. Wanna head to Coffee Cantina after I sign off?

But maybe Lucifer was allowed to return to Paradise. He’ll just have to enter through the back door.

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Court Date At Local StadtsGericht Yet To Be Determined!!!!!!!!!!!!! Thorp’s Attorney Taking Late Flight On Lufthansa Out Of LaGuardia!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“An eyewitness informed me he saw my legal document floating in the Nordsee. A fisherman was summoned to fish from the brine. Thank God, he was within the territorial waters.”

In Dr. Pearl’s living room, she and Mr. Dr. Pearl waltzing to Fleetwood Mac’s “Rattlesnake Shake”

“Honey Bun Snicker Doodle Lollipop Loving Butterfly Belching Endearment of Mine, don’t you remember when we danced to Joe Cocker’s “With a Little Help from my Friends” on Mr. Yasgur’s farm? We were the center of attention.”

“Surely. We were the only ones that could inhale and still perform the Fox Trot.”

Don’t even go there, Luke Leatherhead. No way are you in Mensa. My own father just blasted his SAT’s when he was in school so it’s not like I haven’t been exposed to academia and while I concede that you’re no dummy, I’m not conceding you aced the Literature portion of the Mensa Take Home Exam that you slobbered through at Milford Lounge during intermission in the Pool Double-Elimination Tournament. I wouldn’t be surprised that you had to have a tutorial from a couple of your linemen after football scrimmage when you approached the Math section. It’s a shame Luhm wasn’t gilding the floors at Valley Tech. He could have given you pointers on the Essay part. Checked for spelling anyway.

But that’s Thorpiverse for you. Trying to turn Wile E. Coyote into Albert Einstein. Oh, Mr. Coyote might obtain Einstein’s hair in the end what with all the hair drawn around his corporeal structure eventually ending up on his crown. Otherwise, this is a farcical Bugs Bunny cartoon heading for the trash can.

And what’s even funnier, Luke Leatherhead’s bogus assertions bring back memories of a Wile E. cartoon when he tries to subdue Bugs Bunny, all the while claiming he’s a genius and that Bugs is no match for his intellectual superiority. Naturally, many of Wile E.’s schemes backfire and make him look like an idiot rather than remembering that a genius does not need to prove it.

That’s why I shudder when I think of the possibilities. Imagine, if you will, Luke Learherhead stuffing a dead fish in Gil’s pants while Gil is flirting with Beth the Bartender but while Luke Leatherhead is proclaiming throughout the bar that Gil forgot to take his Tums today and therefore has serious gas problems, Gil stands up, the fish squirts out of his pants and lands in Luke Learherhead’s martini. The EPA official just happens to be sitting next to him and orders the bouncer to throw Luke Leatherhead out or he’s shutting down the joint. Luke Leatherhead and the dead fish both get thrown towards the handicap parking space of the bar. Thank goodness no car is parked there or the dead fish might have its entrails strewn all over the parking lot.

Or Luke Leatherhead calls Mimi anonymously and informs her that he saw Gil and Beth the Bartender riding the same rollercoaster at Six Flags over Milford. Then Luke Leatherhead gives Gil and Beth the Bartender free passes that he received when Luke Leatherhead guessed the right answer on WDIG’s DIG for DOLLARS when the latter called him at home but Gil and Beth the Bartender see underprivileged kids playing sandlot volleyball and give the tickets to them, even making sure Milford Transit Authority gets them to the park before it opens and then they both go their separate ways. When Mimi sees that Gil isn’t cheating on her at the log flume, she stuffs Luke Leatherhead’s head in the cotton candy machine, permanently damaging his Magic Johnson facial hair.

What the heck, while Wile E. Coyote is fresh in my mind, how about the Road Runner Theme parodying Luke Lunkhead? You old-timers KNOW this Looney Tunes classic

That Luke Lunkhead’s really a crazy clown

When will he learn he never can mow Gil down

Poor little bartender never bothers anyone

Just mixing Wallbangers her idea of having fun

Luke Lunkhead

Gil Thorp is after you

Luke Lunkhead

If he outscores you, you’re through

At the Schwarzwald GemeinschaftGebaude one afternoon

“Mimi, you want anything at the snack bar?”

“Do they have cheeseburgers?”

“I’m not sure. Herr PolizeiBeamte, can she go with me to check the prices?”

“Stay at least 2 meters apart and no eating the Wienerschnitzel together at the same table.”

What in the world is that woman doing traipsing by the interview session???? Hey, honey, guess who I ran into when I was getting milk and eggs at the store.

We are definitely taking artistic liberties here and I wouldn’t be surprised if we didn’t see mall walkers making the rounds should this interview were to continue past a decent hour. Really, is the station manager going to drop in and ask who didn’t flush the toilet in the first floor men’s room? Somebody dumped a Moby Dick in the commode and didn’t bother to wash his hands. Left poop stains all over the blow dryer. Oh, are you still on the air?

The cattle drive towards the Milford Stockyards should be coming along anytime. You might want to turn down the mike, Marty.

Then Luke Lunkhead starts being a crazy clown by just being a jerk. Marty is asking legitimate questions because fans are curious who the QB is going to be and what to expect from the season, plus a take on game situations. But Luke Lunkhead dumped a Moby Dick of his own and we are left to our imagination. Okay, Luke, players from Valley Tech will flip off the opposing team at the coin flip and you are going to run the Picket Fence. Four passes before you establish your running game and you’ll be running the Wishbone with your grandmother as the tailback. You’ll hire a concession stand worker to be a referee at halftime when the regular official can’t mark the ball right. Did we cover everything? Oh, free popsicles to the players after the game if the team wins.

“The state troopers have to separate Gil and Luke and are being ordered to their sides of the field. We should have a football game in a few moments. They managed to convince Luke to put the shotgun away. We’ll be back for kickoff after these messages. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

“Marty was right, Luke Loser and I got into it but I let my game do the talking. Just ask Mimi when we go to bed. She knows when it’s time to perform, I shake better than Beth the Bartender mixing martini on the rocks. I bet Luke get’s jiggy with it only when the bouncer threatens to throw him out. You need to do better with your mouth and at dart raffles, Luke.

But I didn’t get on the air to discuss my sexual escapades on the 50-yard line. Mimi knows I’ll come through on 4th-and-inches so I have better things to talk about. Hi, this is Coach Thorp with Milford Beverage Warehouse and these ladies at Milford Women’s Christian Temperance Union have been instigating protests in front of the Wink Martindale statue vowing that they will shut down our operations faster than you can say “Joker’s Wild”. Shouldn’t they be picketing in front of The Bucket since those chumps are corrupting the minds of youth with visions of sugarplums and Stroh’s? Even if they have bad lawyers?

Well, let me tell you, The Warehouse is taking no chances and is promoting the “Hell Freezes Over” campaign in cooperation with Eagles tour on parade with a stop in two weeks at Milford Outdoor Amphitheater. I guarantee you, giraffes will fly over Milford High School the day Milford Beverage Warehouse closes its doors because a bloc of little old ladies that came over to The Warehouse on account of Milford Rideshare Consortium pressured the owners to back down.

Come on, Aunt Bea, take a sip of Jack Daniels Rhode Island Brewed Premium Whiskey at a door-busting $24.99 and get your tickets to Eagles concert at Milford Outdoor with a drawing for a chance to meet the band backstage and tell me you are going to throw cherry bombs at Wink’s sculpture. You’d give up your chance to meet Joe Walsh or Randy Meisner so you can undergo a commando raid with the A Team on the Chee-tos? Where are your priorities?

How boutchoo, Granny Goody Two Shoes, you’d pass up a chance for free Snickers 10-Bar Bag with every purchase of Miller High Life 30-Pak plus two tickets to see Eagles at Milford Outdoor AND win a chance at Don Henley’s autographed drum kit? You don’t want his bass drum with his John Henry on it sitting proudly next to the family organ? At $20.99, I’d stick the whole damn drum set beside the Christmas tree when relatives come over. Hell, I’ll just lie and say I bought it when Henley had a yard sale. How are my relatives going to contact Henley to see if I’m telling the truth?

Yeah, Granny Clampett, you can throw possum juice all over Wink’s sculpture but that won’t get you any closer to Heineken 12-Pak at $15.99 with a free box of Hamburger Helper out of our grocery section plus all of Glenn Frey’s discography with a bonus track of Glenn playing ‘The Heat is On’ at Milford Nudist Colony. You need to go through the cashier with your Milford Beverage Warehouse Visa Gold if you want precious merchandise such as these. Leave your chicken gizzards back in Jed’s garage.

The forces of evil can crusade all they want but Milford Beverage Warehouse is prepared to answer Deus Lo Vole. This is one crusade the Normans won’t win and you the customers will enjoy the savings after the janitors sweep up the pillage. Come get your booze, Eagles tickets, and a peaceful easy feelin’ and tell ’em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

Gang, I’ll stop writing about Gil’s sex life when Hell Freezes Over. I know it’s not very informative but that’s beside the point.

But God bless you, Gang.

At Milford Nudist Colony

“Mommy, Mr. Director said this place will shut down when Daddy flies on a giraffe in Hell. What does he mean?”

“Uhhhhhhhh, look Keri, there’s Don Felder. Here’s a pen, go get his autograph.”

At the Schwarzwald Park Ranger Office

“So you say you did nothing on the trails but pet the bears?”

4 Comments »

  1. Coach Hair-Shirt is the shit!…Just ask him if you don’t believe it. What I want to know is, if this guy is so fuckin’ brilliant, what’s he doing coaching at the HS level and having to prove himself on a podcast with boastful taunts concerning a guy who doesn’t even know his name? And I wonder if the girl in P 3 is texting Mimi, with a “…hey Meems…you should hear this creepy coach guy with a gross hairy back talking on Marty’s podcast about coach Thorp…I’m gonna’ put it on Tik Tok so you can see it….”

    Comment by franku2016 — August 11, 2022 @ 1:55 pm

  2. Eagles it is. There’s a band called Melvins. I have a tongue in cheek “argument “ with a friend when I insist it’s not The Melvins, it’s Melvins. Then there’s a couple obscure garage punk bands. One is called Lamps and another is The Lamps. Hey, it’s rock n Thursday. Check ‘em out.
    Then there’s Martinez and Gonzalez. But it’s the same person. Can you dig it? I’m not sure who to pull for in the Gil vs Martinez/Gonzalez. May the biggest douche lose I suppose.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — August 11, 2022 @ 2:52 pm

  3. Not Martinez/Gonzalez, but Martinez/Hernnadez! Just to be accurate, lol. We’ll never see Hernnadez again though, but I know you were playin’.

    Comment by MopMan — August 11, 2022 @ 3:11 pm

  4. Oops! My bad, mop. I’ll say 10 Our Fathers and 5 Hail Marys and finish by singing Me and Julio Down by the Schoolyard.

    Comment by Jive Turkey — August 11, 2022 @ 3:45 pm


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