This Week in Milford

October 27, 2022

No One Here Gets Out Alive Unless You Have A Hall Pass.

Filed under: Gil Thorp — tdrewhardin @ 12:12 pm

Gil Latitudes

WHEN THIS STUPID PLOT BLASTPAINTS AN ARMOR

AND ITS SULLEN AND ABORTED CONTENTS

BREED TINY MONSTERS

TRUE SCRIPTWRITING IS DEAD


AWKWARD INSTANT

AND THE FIRST MUDLARK COACH IS JETTISONED

PEACOCKS FURIOUSLY PUMPING

THEIR STIFF GREEN GALLOP


DR. PEARL’S BUN POPS UP

BRYLCREEM

FREAK HANDS

CHUNKY JEWELRY

TOY RIFLES

IN MUTE NOSTRIL AGONY

CAREFULLY REGURGITATED

AND PLOWED OVER

SHIPPED TO VALLEY TECH

I loved Teenchy’s The Doors’ perspective so much that I thought I’d take the baton today, given the plot that has gone from ridiculously absurd to absurdly ridiculous. Granted, there’s controversy anytime you skirt the issue between the Berrill camp that prefer issues causing distress(depression, teen pregnancy, alcoholism, as examples) but get resolved by the end of the season and the post-Berrill camp that prefer issues that might flash “To be continued” at the bottom of the screen. I’m fine either way but do we really have to drag this through the mud and watch the A Team destroy all the Bunsen burners in the name of Civil Defense?

It is absolutely ludicrous to watch a grown man come in and start shooting and expect the kids to ace the pop quiz. Why have Orville Redenbacher here talk about the Cro-Magnon Man when there’s 10-15 of them in Rambo gear and camouflage on their faces, emanating from the caves underneath Tiki Jensen’s estate? Talk about on-hand learning. There’ll be no need for field trips because the field trip is raiding the tool closet in the Industrial Arts classroom. No sense in looking at the Neanderthal figurine in the Social Studies textbook when he’s right in front of me, shooting up Belgium and Switzerland on the world map. The janitors won’t have to worry about erasing the outline on History of Swedish Knighthood because Rambo obliterated the chalkboard. No use in writing “Please Save” since the blackboard got reduced to 2 x 4’s.

Thorpiverse, what are we supposed to think when things are popping and they aren’t champagne bottles at the Faculty Halloween Potluck Dinner? I don’t care if they’re rubber bullets and will only cause a severe itch on my feet but will cause an overdose of Lanacaine, I see some SWAT dude storm into my algebra class shouting “TORA!!!!! TORA!!!!!!! TORA!!!!!!!!”, I’m ducking under the boxes of slide rules. Really, is this what happens over at Riverdale? I realize that Archie and Jughead are subject to reality like the rest of us but I really don’t think Rambo and Mr. Weatherbee will be sharing the same camouflage makeup. I just couldn’t see Miss Grundy and Moose Mason with AK-47’s shooting pellets you normally feed the hamsters in bio lab in the name of rehearsing for defending the homeland, should the Commies stage a comeback. Nope, I doubt that Pop will use his Choklit Shoppe as an air raid shelter

“The Russkies just relayed their bombardiers over the football stadium!!!!!!!! They even tore down the goalposts!!!!!!!!”

“Quick!!!!!!!! Go and get under the tables at Pop’s Choklit Shoppe!!!!!!!!!! It’s our only hope!!!!!!!!!!”

Won’t you join me at the nuclear shelter in the basement of Coffee Cantina? They should be stocked with plenty of bagels.


In Dr. Pearl’s office, with The Doors’ “Horse Latitudes” piping from her 1803 Alexander Hamilton-autographed DVD player, Dr. Pearl and Gil under her desk

“Coach, I don’t know how much more I can endure of this. The SWAT team has been ferreting him out in every classroom.”

“I think you better up Coach K’s severance package.”

Speaking of peacocks, did you know there is a hatchery where they are bred and sold as pets? Hmmmmmmm

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“O.J. Refuses To Budge With Milford Condo Luxury Suites Management, Will Take Concern To Arbitration!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“I ain’t paying no extra fee for my peacock, I don’t care what their pet policy says in the contract.”

And what’s making this more absurdly ridiculousier, yeah, I guess the powers-that-be want to spice up the plot but, geez, that so-called soldier of fortune is no different than the GI Joe Action Figure Ho Chi Minh Trail Resistance Fighters Edition. Heck, his machine gun looks like the Christmas present I received when I was in the 3rd grade. That’s all we need, Captain America wannabes flashing their All-America shields and interrupting students when they have their headphones on attempting to speak conversational French. I know you’re trying to express “Gil can’t coach his way out of a garbage compost heap” in Present Subjunctive but watch out for that flying saucer meant for the Cuban Anti-Bautista Commie standing by the Cassell’s French Dictionarys.

C’mon, Thorpiverse, the GI Joke in P1 possesses a mouth resembling the ichthus symbol that Christians often display on their bumper stickers. Boy, plenty of action today, Keri gets gunned down with gerbil feed artillery by a Rambo in dire need of a new place to stick his fork in to nourish himself. It looks like the Lucky Charms Leprechaun’s kid to the left is trying to avoid Keri’s contagious EES from spilling on his Beaver Cleaver shirt and keep from getting gunned down with Quaker Oats ammunition. The excitement never stops around here.

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“The Doors Slated To Perform At Milford Outdoor Amphitheater As Part Of Their ‘Strange Days Is Milford’s Town Motto’ Tour!!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Ray Manzarek reportedly promises that Jim Morrison will not sleep in Coach Thorp’s garage after Morrison and Thorp attempted to out-Jim Beam the other the last time the group was in town.”

BTW, it is pronounce Man-ZAIR-ek, if it’s been driving you crazy.


Jim Morrison was a very brilliant, high-strung individual, given to volatile behavior when he was with the group. The group name came from the strangely controversial book by Alduous Huxley “The Doors of Perception” (prepare to brace yourself when you read it) . Morrison could gyrate many times out of control and just wheel the crowd into a frenzy. It just seemed like he was possessed by something.

It wasn’t all frenetic and frantic. There were times he would simply roll around on stage, particularly for long songs like “When The Music’s Over”. In fact, one night Mick Jagger of The Rolling Stones was in the building and he was taking a break from his own concert tour. After about a 1/2 hour of watching Morrison pointlessly writhing on stage, Jagger simply said “Man, this guy’s boring.”


You’re lost, little girl

You’re lost, little girl

You’re lost

Tell me

Where are you?


Think you have no clue what to do

Impassable, yes

There’s no view


I hope that you know what to do

Yeah

Pray that you know what to do

Okay, Strange Days aside, P2 continues the comedy of errors as Keri is under siege by the Israelis apparently continuing the Six Day War beyond a week. If any of you never watched the sitcom M*A*S*H*, you’re getting a good idea of what an occasional bombing by the North Korean front looked like, manifested by Orville’s World Anthropology class today. I’m almost half-expecting Corporal Klinger walking in front of Rambo’s cousin wearing one of Mimi’s dresses to get a Section 8. Don’t look for it today, Corporal. You might want to scoot over under the desk and let Klinger nestle in, Keri.

And what is this accompanying cacophony over the intercom to encourage these cavemen in camouflage to perform this drill that is scaring the Hell out of the readership, let alone the students? Who’s instigating the cacophony? HAL? Dr. Pearl? HAL and Dr. Pearl? Radar O’Reilly?

“Attention all personnel. The SWAT team will be coming in to raid our camp after the North Koreans are through dropping suicide missions. No need to panic. Lock all personal items and cover your head under the cot. This is only a drill.”

I remember watching this late night comedy club show and this one comedian had me rolling when he said

“What was it about these Elvis movies? It seemed like he was always looking for an excuse to sing

THE COWS ARE STAMPEDING MILFORD!!!!!!!! THE COWS ARE STAMPEDING MILFORD!!!!!!!!!!!

And Elvis would croon

Little bitty cow, ya better git on home

Your mama’s looking for ya, no room to roam…”

Then this comedian said there’d be these men dressed in cow outfits dancing in unison behind him, twirling their tails.

That’s kinda sorta how I feel here.


THE SWAT TEAM IS STAMPEDING THE HALLWAYS!!!!!!!!!!! THE SWAT TEAM IS STAMPEDING THE HALLWAYS!!!!!!!!!!!

Elvis and Chance Macy in their Jailhouse Rock dance routine on top of the cafeteria tables

“Hey, SWAT team, you better git on home

Ya done strafed the school, nuthin’ else to comb…”


With the cafeteria ladies in the background, doing their best Viva Las Vegas dance schtick

I mean, look at Keri. Her whole face is exploding, not just her eyeball. No wonder why there’s papers everywhere.

At Milford High School one day

“Cafeteria ladies, you better head on home

Can’t stand this slop, the milk’s gonna foam…”

MACY!!!!!!! GET DOWN OFFA THAT TABLE!!!!!!!

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Dr. Pearl Refuses To Utilize Milford High School Facade For The Doors ‘Strange Days’ Remaster Promo Album Cover!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Milford High School spokesperson: ‘Dr. Pearl simply feels Mimi clearly does not resemble a bearded lady and Luke Martinez’s wife would look out of character as a midget and a misrepresentation of policy. Furthermore, Pedro being a bald strong man was a reach.’”

Point blank, okay, we need realism, it’ll put hair on our chest but c’mon, I really can’t take seriously this air raid on a level that Ralph Kane and his henchman, Sergeant Sara Whitaker, would be underwriting when Ralph is not employing McCarthy tactics to nail Harry Boyle as a Commie. Yeah, just wait ‘til your father gets home. You’ll come out from behind the language lab then.

Geez, Sergeant Sara Whitaker, identical cousin of Dr. Pearl, swooping in and sticking an AK-47 up Keri’s backpack, that’s just drama galore for this plot. And for what, to see if Keri is stocking grenades in her Ho Ho’s???? What is Sergeant Granny going to do, stick Keri in a POW camp if she forgot to bring her lunch money? Sure, let’s get real as long as it’s at a convincing pitch. GI Joe and Sergeant Granny frisking Fran Martinez to see if her injections are imbued with Play-Doh to prevent further heart attacks in the ER is going to wind up on Mystery Science Theater 3000 getting stripped down and heckled to its farcical foundation by those goofy space creatures if Thorpiverse isn’t too careful.

If ya frisk a teacher cuz ya think he is hidin’ way too much deer rub in the plan book and is causin’ the chem lab ta smell lak a possum soaked in peroxide, ya might be a redneck.

Oh joy oh joy, more plot development in P3!!!!!!! Batman is hiding with Corporal Klinger under the condiments table in the cafeteria and Alfred the Butler is mad as hell and not gonna take anymore so he pushes GI Joe to the floor and resumes class. Dang, where are those POW!!!!! or BAM!!!!!! or ZOWIE placards that used to flash across the screen when Batman was beating The Penguin with the latter’s umbrella? Later, because Mimi locked the house because she was still at volleyball practice, Keri will have to do her homework at the Batcave. Then Batman and Corporal Klinger go to The Commissioner’s office, both wearing Phyllis Diller dresses and matching make-up and hairstyle attempting to drop off the Gotham City Police payroll by committing a Section 8. By that time, the lock-down should be complete and Dr. Pearl and her identical cousin, Sergeant Granny, will go to Coffee Cantina for tea, scones, and fellowship.

Th-th-th-th-that’s all, folks!!!!!!!!

“And that concludes this re-enactment of the Civil War with the Union winning, 6,324 soldiers getting paintballed to the Confederacy receiving 8,740 paint splotch marks. MIA’s will be tallied once the Elias Sports Bureau gets its machine fixed. Nice to have something interesting at Mudlark Stadium. Kicking footballs to yourself was bush-league entertainment. I’ll have more to talk about after these messages. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

“That Marty, he sure is a card. Next thing you know, he’ll be saying that Milford Football is as exciting as watching paintballs dry. Personally, I thought the Civil War was another teachable moment for the kids, like “give your best, even if a cannon blew your head off” or “to treat the official with utmost respect even if they throw the flag when you were using chemical weapons on Stonewall Jackson’s group”. Sometimes life throws you a curve and it’s up to you to rise up to the occasion if you don’t want to get run over by a Panzer tank.

But enough of scheduling the Army of the Potomac as a Homecoming opponent. Hi, this is Coach Thorp on behalf of Milford Beverage Warehouse. The owners were extremely concerned when the Milford National Guard wrote them a letter telling them that the Guard was authorized by the City of Milford to conduct Civil Defense drills on their premises. Now I was in the Marines so I understand all there is to know about the need for preventing Milford Diner from getting nuked by Andorra but I like booze too and believe me, I don’t want Gomer Pyle looking over my shoulder when I reaching for that margarita in the corner of the freezer.

So the owners and the Milford National Guard brigadier general came to a detente and don’t think our owners didn’t bring up you, the loyal customer. Listen, the brigadier general is a customer, too. Daggone, I saw him buy a bottle of Jack and some Great Value Cream Corn in the grocery section and impulse-buy a People magazine with Bill Haley on the cover. Don’t think the customers with their booze-laden shopping carts behind you didn’t notice, General. They even saw you stick a couple of Snickers in your camouflage jacket when the cashier was busy manually punching in a Milford Beverage Warehouse Visa card.

So this Saturday, when the Milford National Guard has to execute the Every Man For Himself In The Beer Cave drill, if you help do your part by shopping and allowing them to undergo V-formation in front of the Beer Cave, The Warehouse will give you a voucher for Jim Beam Tennessee Stud Bred Premium Whiskey. Now isn’t that nice. The already ridiculous $29.99 getting pared and you earned it by keep the Beer Cave safe for Democracy. I’d drink to that but I’m on the clock.

But the Milford National Guard didn’t attain their status since George Washington quelled the Whiskey Rebellion by being dumber than Tiny Tim on the xylophone. They know that guerillas from Easter Island are more than likely to plant dynamite when a person is most vulnerable so a man having to relieve himself in The Warehouse urinal from drinking too much Puncher’s Chance is unlikely to notice the detonation device under the hand dry blower. So if you’ll help our Nation’s Security Blanket by using your metal detector to turn back those Laplander commies who dare attempt to hope The Good Life implodes when you flush the toilet, The Warehouse will give you a gift card for $25, no questions asked. Man, I don’t know about you, but I can get a 12-Pak of Bud Light and a couple bags of Ruffles Chips and still be able to pay the electric bill. Good thing, I received my second notice from Milford Gas & Electric this week.
But our Gentlemen in Uniform aren’t resting on their laurels and are conducting Checking The Customer’s Receipt To Ensure They Paid For It/Aren’t Fomenting A
Riot With Doritos Raids drills this Saturday. Look, they do more than jumping jacks and sit-ups. If you think it’s all push-ups in the Jack Daniels aisle, you HAVE been drinking too much, literally. But we can solve that problem by making sure your check won’t bounce when you’re purchasing your Tito’s Fire-Infested Vodka so that alarm bells won’t ring and the staff sergeant doesn’t have to call the Governor to send troops to surround the building and the brigadier general establish headquarters by the Wink Martindale statue. Shoot, you ought to have enough money in your checking account at Milford Federal and finance the affordable $28.99.
Folks, it’s important that our country remain safe from any terrorists or Commies, particularly from Tanzania. But Milford Beverage Warehouse has proven you can have your freedom and drink it too. Come down this Saturday and help our troops practice defending our fine city from hostile countries and staid Prohibitionists and still be able to buy Falls City and Milford Vending Beer Nuts with your credit intact and tell ‘em Coach Thorp sent ya.”

Gang, that wasn’t Batman in Gil’s office bathroom. The door was locked and Batman left his utility belt in the faculty lounge.
But God bless you anyway.

At Milford Comedy Caravan

“Little bitty girl, you better get on home

Mimi’s pumping Meemaw, she overdosed on Stroh’s…”

“YOU SING WORSE THAN YOU TELL JOKES, THORP!!!!!!!!!!!”

10 Comments »

  1. Haha…that would be funny if Dr. Redenbacher, Keri, and the kids who were on their phones a second ago all ganged up on this guy kicked the shit out of him, along with a couple of blows to his head with his confiscated rifle, to the extent that he was hospitalized for about a month. That would force granny pearl to make sure that everyone knew that a drill was planned, so that in the event that a genuine active shooter showed up, that they wouldn’t laugh it off because it was fake.

    Comment by franku2016 — October 27, 2022 @ 12:30 pm

  2. Things are definitely happening, I think.

    Comment by billytheskink — October 27, 2022 @ 12:32 pm

  3. Peacocks are not pets! They’re in the top 3 nastiest birds, along with seagulls & Canada Geese.
    Anyhow, Officer Friendly has earned his beatdown.

    Comment by Downpuppy — October 27, 2022 @ 5:19 pm

  4. We’ve been calling for the return of Herk the Mauler for years. This is probably as close as we’re gonna get.

    Comment by teenchy — October 28, 2022 @ 5:38 am

  5. Henry Barajas tweeted the other day that the teacher was supposed to look like John Turturro.

    I said in a comment the other day that you wouldn’t hear me questioning the realism or accuracy of this drill (or whatever it is). I think I can stay within the bounds of that promise and say:

    I don’t even know what this was supposed to be, but it happened at Milford HS, so of course it’s spectacularly odd.

    Comment by Ned Ryerson's Brother George — October 28, 2022 @ 6:17 am

  6. Comment by hitorque — October 28, 2022 @ 3:08 pm

  7. hmmm… I posted a couple of links but I think they vanished inside the website’s impossible zone…?

    I approved them
    Ned

    Comment by hitorque — October 28, 2022 @ 3:11 pm

  8. Hitorque, I am so sorry!!!! Keep us posted on what’s going on. Thank you for keeping Free Speech alive!!!!!!

    Comment by tdrewhardin — October 28, 2022 @ 3:22 pm

  9. […] Orville Redenbacheresque teacher who teaches anthropology and displays fine tackling form has a name, and it’s Turturro. Here I thought it was Luke Martinez Sr. who was giving off the […]

    Pingback by A Springsteen Song Parody Here Would Be Too Easy | This Week in Milford — November 23, 2022 @ 3:02 pm


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