No Worries, Coach Tays. The Plot’s Not Going There, Here, Nor Anywhere.

Whew!!!!! We not only keep changing plots like Truck Tyler’s mailing address but now we’re changing the plot within the plot. Yesterday Leo Atazhoon was in the cafeteria eating all his vegetables so he could grow big and strong in other ways besides Luke’s gorilla hair and B.O., now he’s with his sister at what we presume is shortly before tipoff between Milford and Corcoran (“Home of the Flying Corks!!!!!!!”) . We’re not jumping from plot to plot, just sending one on a quantum leap into Milford’s gym, in this case.

We’ve had charity cases in the past. Those of you older Thorpiverse veterans will surely remember Danny Tippett. He was a raw tall jumping bean, possessing the potential to dominate like Jerry Pulver did back in the ‘70’s. His problem, or so it seemed, was that he wasn’t hustling out on the court, wasn’t contesting shots, wasn’t dominating the glass, wasn’t strong driving to the rack. When Tod Andrews was Gil’s assistant, he got so flabbergasted, that he threw in the towel and Gil shortly followed suit. Tippett was handed his walking papers.

Until Gil, while driving home in a falling snow, saw Tippett walking home without a jacket. Now bear in mind, this was before Gil was hitched to Mimi so they both went to a Diner-like restaurant. Gil orders, say, The Diner Meat Loaf-Mashed Potatoes w/Carb-Free Gravy-Asparagus of Champions, Butter 15 Cents/Extra Packet-Gluten Free Rhubarb Pie and Tippett orders the same minus the Kool Whip on the Rhubarb Pie.

This is where the plot makes a turning point. Tippett just wolfs his food down, Coach Thorp in this thought balloon uttering “Good night, he eats like there’s no tomorrow.” As a matter of fact, Tippett ends up eating three of those Meat Loaf Specials, only this time he pours Nutrasweet in his iced tea. Thorp is so concerned (loosely speaking) that he goes over to Tippett’s house and finds the refrigerator practically bare. Thorp orders him to enroll in the School Lunch Program and Tippett is back on the team. No sense in Tippett eating The Diner out of house and Hell and forcing Maureen the Waitress to work double overtime.

“Would you like more sausage biscuits, Mr. Tippett? Sorry we ran out of meat loaf. The slaughterhouse closed down early due to Columbus Day.”

“No problem. Sure, and if you would, bring some more bananas that were lounging in the school cafeteria yesterday.”

Now in the Berrill years, we cussed out the problem child, found out what the problem was at The Diner (Maureen was helpless as the new line cook didn’t know how to make egg rolls) , Gil saw the refrigerator emptier than Luke’s persona, called Milford Health and Human Services, we moved onto the game.

But for the present, it’s like Tippett at The Diner about to order the Hash Brown-Baked Ham w/Pineapple-Cornbread-Rice Pudding, Extra Rice 50 Cents and Maureen asking Gil if he’s still available (pre-Mimi era, keep in mind) , then suddenly switching over to Dr. Pearl in the cafeteria, delirious because Gil didn’t send Tippett there first. Darn it all, Coach, we had plenty of spaghetti for Mr. Tippett because the seniors went on their senior trip to King’s Island. Too late, I already sent it to Milford Food Pantry. Then Tippett dominates on that ugly bald guy that played against the Mudlarks earlier this season and Tippett tells Mr. Clean In Name Only to get the Hell out of my way, I’m gonna score on you because I ate my Wheaties and Lucky Charms and Honey Nut Cheerios this morning. Maureen ran out of Fruit Loops but I’m still gonna dunk in yo’ ass. Then going back to the fire drill and Tippett hiding under the table and Keri there with him, telling him “Nice Game”. Oh, and did you eat all your Spam at lunch?

We’re still on topic, just a few diversions. Hey, I don’t have to take the Florida Turnpike from Miami to Orlando. There are many ways to avoid the alligators, Tippett.

I read where many Bigfoot incidents was as a result of some jerk in an ape suit with a sick sense of humor. Boy, he’d fit right in around here

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

“Bigfoot Sighting Deemed A Hoax After Thorough Investigation By Milford Police!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Upon further review, officials told the neighborhood that it was just Luke Lunkhead getting his mail.”

Is there a word called “quieten”? Apparently, according to some dictionaries, there is. Hmmmmmmmm

“Gil, can you go quieten Chance Macy? He’s disturbing our Chem Lab class.”

“I’ll talk him down from the cafeteria table and settle him down.”

Whoever did the drawing in P1 in today’s strip must have borrowing Marty’s bottle. The figure in the upper left hand corner is an objet d’art only Picasso can interpret. And what is up with someone protruding his or her leg down below. It COULD be a cheerleader but usually they’re all kicking to, say, the school song. Maybe some little old lady from Pasadena is kickin’ up her heels to James Brown’s “Get Up, I Feel Like a Sex Machine”. Gil was kicking some member of the team for missing the Team Sloppy Joe event. It could be a multitude of things, assuming the appendage is connected to a human being. I don’t see any elephants in the room, not literally anyway. Then there are 3-4 fans dressed as Casper the Friendly Ghost (i.e., they’re not exposing their crotch but that doesn’t mean they’re wearing clothes) and okay, artwork details are not what they used to be when you’re paying the artists minimum wage. But why are they facing AWAY from the game? What are they watching besides the wall? If we’re going to go helter-skelter with the Magic Marker, can we apply some logic to the sketchy sketches?

Finally, nice to see Sabrina and one of witch relatives there to support the Mudlarks. Cartoon characters need to look out for each other.

I was crossing an Interstate highway bridge last night and construction was being done on the bridge. I chortled when I saw two saw horses supporting a huge piece of plywood which appeared to be a crude version of a work table

Special Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Milford Causeway Bridge Project Delayed For Two Weeks, Says The State Department Of Highways!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Highway spokesperson: ‘Our Logistics department had to order two power saws and a hacksaw, plus some Black and Decker drills. The backlog should clear up by St. Patrick’s Day.”

On WDIG-TV on an early evening after the 6:00 News

“Don’t miss this Friday’s feature ‘Bigfoot on Gil’s Verandah: Fact or Fiction?’, only on WDIG-TV, The El Dorado of Fine Broadcasting.”

Judging by the sneakers in P2, this is shaping up to be another Danny Tippett feel-good-Horatio Alger story. But the shoes are typical of the artwork in general. Like that’s an exception. No, I doubt Tobias would want to wear those klunkers, let alone to dunk on but he’s not drawing his own shoes. Somebody else in the Thorpiverse art room is taking freelance artist terminology much too literally. Yeah, we’re sure you work better independently but independent efforts doesn’t mean you have to doodle. When Tippett was eating cottage cheese, you didn’t draw Long John Silvers Crab Platter in its stead. I’d hate to see what The Diner Lasagna Special appeared like. A cheap version of “Beware The Blob!!!!!!!”???? All the sugar peas become “Them!!!!!!!”???????

Don’t get Thorpiverse started. “Godzilla Versus Leo’s Ratty Shoes”, part of a double feature at Milford Drive-In along with “Mary Poppins”.

Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Overpass On Mudlark Parkway Slated To Begin Construction By End Of March!!!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Project Manager feels confident construction crews will have plenty of brads in their tool belts by the Ceremonial First Dig.”

“Coach!!!!!! Coach!!!!!!! I know who shot Coach Shaw!!!!!!”

“Man, it’s about time justice was served. Who was it?”

“It was-“

MAN, WHERE’D YOU GET THOSE SNEAKERS???? AT THE DUMPSTER BEHIND GOODWILL????

And is this the start, perhaps, of ANOTHER PLOT???? Emmett Tays trash-talking Leo about his footware???? This’ll drag down to Fred Sanford and Esther proportions.

“Man, your shoes are so ugly, yo mama had ta use ‘em when she ran out of D-Con for the mice.”

“Fred, look who’s talkin’!!!!! If God had seen yo wuthless butt on Mount Sinai, he would have added another commandment.”

“Yeah, but when I wear shoes, I don’t use duct tape for shoestrings.”

“Lawdy, Lawdy, Fred Sanford, when God built The Temple, he used only the finest stone; if you’d been doin’ the buildin’, we’d have money changers sellin’ yo cheap scrap metal for 30 pieces of silver!!!!!”

“Esther, speakin’ of profanin’, take yo cruddy footware off. You is profanin’ my floor with all the leather droppings. And I just sent ta git my vacuum repaired. I don’t got a pooper scooper handy.”

I think we better stop. I hope Emmett catches the hint.

Late Late Edition to the Milford Enquirer

“Local 809 Carpenters Union Threatens Strike At Milford Gym Annex!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

“Union officials cite lack of proper equipment, such as machine lathe or ballpeen hammers, the focal point at the bargaining table.”

Oh, don’t hurt his feelings, Emmett.

Fine, but as we learned in umpiring, don’t make a bad call worse by doing a make-up call. That’s what Emmett is doing in P3.

Gee, Leo, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to say you bought those shoes in the Lawn & Garden Department at Rural King. Really, they look real sexy on you. Girls find that Larry the Cable Guy duct tape utterly sexy. Scrounginess is the essence of cool. I saw Miles Davis wear those once while he was doing master takes on “Filles de Kilimanjaro”. Bebop musicians wore those all the time. Yardbird was killer at Minton’s Playhouse playing “Dizzy Atmosphere” in those foot rags. We should order some for the whole team. Y’know, promote team unity.

No ‘i’ in the word “Ratty Sneakers”, Coach Tays. I get it.

“We’ll be back for the opening tap after these messages. By then, the gym should be de-liced from the sneakers. This is Marty Moon and you’re listening to WDIG, a division of Learfield Sports.”

“Would you like your shower and tub construction remodeled but are afraid it will collapse in the basement? Afraid of the cost. My neighbor settled for a cut-rate shower remodeler and he got what he slid his debit card through the machine for. He honestly should have just shredded it. He spent what he saved on a case of Rust-Oleum.

Greetings, this is Mr. Dr. Pearl and you are not obligated to The Bathtub Inferno. Milford Bath Magic wants you to walk into your tub as if you were engaging in your first baby step. They have all the angles covered, even with Milford Better Business Bureau. No more bounced checks because the project was living beyond its means. They received the $50 bill from the prison warden and moved on to the other side of the Elysian Fields.

With several designs that are tailored to your budget, why settle for cheap bricks that have been languishing at Milford Rail Yards when you can experience the same stone montage used by Michaelangelo when he was performing great things in the name Our Lord at Sistine Chapel? Watching the water gently flow from the shower head while immersed in God touching Adam, if only figuratively, by the soap dish effectuates this epiphany a tremendous bargain.

And wonderful news!!!! We have seating arrangements!!!!!!!! For much less than Leon Dunham’s contract, Milford Bath Magic will install incredulous benches intended to provide the gluteus maximus with the comfort it so craves plus the lumbar liberation so retained while waiting for Milford Gas & Electric to warm up the pipes. I can inform you heart to heart, it is gratifying being situated before entering my washing process, knowing my bank account will cover the expenditures for once in my life.

We also have a bracing bar and a shower curtain prop. You can get the shower started and not have to express concern about your water cascading down the steps. We do not wish to be a Niagara Falls exhibit for our neighbors like it was during the Christmas season. Maintaining the luxury of closing the curtain assures of this very precarious event. Plus I do occasional pull-ups to show off in front of Mrs. Dr. Pearl. Rest assured, she’s in ecstasy when I’m performing tricep dips on the bracing bar.

And with the finest treated wood this side of the Cedars of Lebanon, you can take it to Milford Federal that the bath/shower complex will never collapse like it did at my neighbor’s bathroom. Samson couldn’t have done a better job. You can take a shower and apply body wash, knowing full well the wood could hold Dumbo if he was exterminating his dandruff with Head & Shoulders.

Is that enough to convince you? Or will a coupon good for 20% off your next toilet/shower installment added motivation? Heavens, poop or get out of the shower because Milford Bath Magic is determined to secure your business. Come see all the amenities they have in store and let nature run its course when you’re singing in the rain. You’ll be glad you did.”

Something appealing

Something appalling

Something for everyone

A comedy tonight

Gang, Coach Tays could have been more subtle than “A Funny Thing Happened To Me On The Way to the Forum”. But he’s the coach, I suppose.

At Milford Causeway construction site

“Joe, you got a crescent wrench? I need to screw this I-beam in place.”

“I think George is using it to secure the concrete barriers.”