Hogan’s Hooligans.

Again, I’m cutting it short today because what more needs to be said about this Bad News Bears remake?

The concept is not a bad idea and Berrill would have taken the idea and run with it to Marty’s love shack and back. It reminds me of a movie I saw several years ago “The Doctor”. William Hurt plays a successful but cold surgeon who needed a lesson or two on compassion. No better time to learn when he discovers he has throat cancer. As he experiences the red tape and indifference himself, in other words, from the perspective of THE PATIENT, he attains new insights on how he needs to treat his own patients. The coup de grace is when he recovers successfully from his throat cancer surgery and swears that things will be different this time. No sooner does he make that vow than when he is taking on medical interns as part of their training. He promptly throws them medical gowns to put on, assigns them a “disease” that they are experiencing, and orders them to go to a hospital room where they will be “treated”. The idea is to view the hospital experience through the eyes of the patient as Hurt did. Better doctors are created when those doctors have walked in the shoes of the patients. Message well-received.

Which is pretty much what Coach Thorp is doing, i.e., getting players to play different positions to better appreciate what that player is going through at that position. But Coach, I hate to break this to you but you do have practice uniforms, I’m assuming. There’s really no need for players to wear stuff their mommies bought for them at Milford Second Tyme Around Shoppe. Leo appears to be ready to chill in his bedroom to watch The Flintstones and chat with his girlfriend on the phone after this so-called lesson in humility. Sure, Coach, have them walk a mile in their teammates cleats. But William Hurt had them dressed in medical gowns, not Grease Monkey uniforms, for the lesson in humility. When the Lakers are practicing, it’s usually in purple and gold outfits so you don’t feel like you’re watching The Village People working on defensive sets.

And what in the name of Tiki Jansen does SKIISH mean???? A noise a semi produces when it’s applying the engine brake? A noise the blender at Milford High School cafeteria makes when too many peaches got thrown in when concocting an apple crisp salad? The sound Gil makes when he slips on a banana peel before getting into bed with Beth? Some vibration occurring whenever Mimi and Ericka tongue-kiss the wrong direction? I’m sure it is difficult to contrive different sounds when playing sports and I couldn’t imagine what sound would emanate into the wild blue yonder when Leo slides into second base. But I couldn’t imagine Charlie Hustle SKIISH’ing into third base when taking one for his beloved Cincinnati Reds. Willie Mays making The Catch didn’t SKIISH to deep centerfield for the historic play.

And that makes sense. Tobe threw out his shoulder because he SKIISH’d over to help Leo to his feet. Future SAT vocabulary material. Then it makes me wonder if we’re going to spend another 2-3 weeks on a wild goose chase on Tobe’s possible injury. You do have Ben-Gay in your gym bag, don’t you, Coach? So we can save ourselves the agony of a runaway plot that rambles into next year. We need to put the SKIISH on this.

Today’s Headline in the Milford Enquirer

”Mimi And Ericka Are Declared Okay After Recent 10-Car Pileup On Milford Boulevard In Historic District!!!!!!!!!”

sub headline

”Semi was reported to have SKIISH’d out of control from speeding in the Turn-of-the Century Mansion section due to late delivery to Milford Napa Auto Parts by the district’s boundary. The trunk of Mimi’s car was totaled but covered by Ericka’s insurance.”

REX ALERT!!!!!!! REX ALERT!!!!!!!!

A little more interesting but no less silly is the scenario surrounding the Morgan kids. Now Sarah, you should know better than to leave your brownies on the kitchen counter. Starving kids in Papua New Guinea would give their souls to lick the batter from the spoon. Johnny and Michael couldn’t even do that, they were ordered to go play Tag while the brownies were cooking.

Does Mimi leave the Hamburger Helper on the grill so that some squirrel can climb out of the oak tree when it’s bored with acorns soaked in stir fry? And tell Jami to go play H-O-R-S-E with Ericka? What were you thinking, Rex?

Now we have to spend the next God-knows-how-many weeks kibbutzing how the nurse is going to pump Lassie bone-dry of Betty Crocker. Boy, excitement galore. I’d rank it right up there with Truck Tyler’s unsuccessful advances at Wanda, especially when she’s working penalty overtime at the diner. And of course, Michael and Johnny are judge and jury on this verdict. The Butler chowed down on the brownie mix and had to gorge himself on Ex-Lax. Yeah, way to go, boys. When you can’t indulge in Paradise, shout “J’accuse!!!!” on Lassie in front of the nurse-on-duty.

I mean, does Wilma tell the nurse that Fred couldn’t pump an organ grinder, let alone a Wurlitzer organ, even if the monkey was assisting when they go through the emergency entrance when Fred’s ED flares up again? Did Beth tell the resident doctor that Gil’s function went flabby because he overdosed on pimento sandwiches from Amelia’s Chuck Wagon? Did Mimi tell the same doctor that Jami went color-blind momentarily because he opened the door on Mimi and Ericka because they forgot to bolt the door again? Yeah, it’s okay to play as long as you have somebody guarding the moat.

Let’s make sure that the next time we take our pet mongoose to the Milford Veterinary Clinic that we have our Duncan Hines in a row. Nobody wants to read about your iguana ingesting too many cupcakes and it didn’t leave any forwarding address. Let Mud Mountain Murphy eat his own croissants. Leave the Truck Tyler misadventures somewhere out in the panhandle of Oklahoma. Nobody cares if Wanda said no, I’m not interested and I’m switching shifts with another waitress anyway.

In one of those 58 second text promos from WDIG

”Did you know that Bucket Burgers can help you poop better than coffee? Eat three a day and watch yourself beginning to urinate and poop with the freedom of Fred’s bed. Add some vinegar and some dill pickles and you’ll be pooping liberally so you won’t get off the pot. Doctors have been reporting for years that clinical studies have shown that a steady diet of Bucket Pork Fritters and Folgers will clean you out faster than the softball plot. And a spoonful of sugar on your Bucket French Toast will stimulate your hormones and render you hornier than a rhino…”

Gang, thank you. You’re the world to me. God bless you.

In Mimi’s bedroom

“Are you sure he doesn’t know the combination?”