This Week in Milford

May 7, 2022

You, Reading Gil Thorp. Me, Trying To Snark About It.

Charis the tennis player (the only Milford High girl we’ve been introduced to this season so far) points out how ludicrous it seems to jump to conclusions about Papa Hamm’s camera-shyness. Since the witness protection program idea has already been thrown out, it can’t be the reason. Odds are it’s something really stupid he’s using as an excuse for ghostwriting books for business executives.

Smash cut to La Maison Du Jambon where we have another Milford athlete’s mom ticked off at that Milford athlete’s dad’s bizarre behavior. Shades of last spring, non? Mama Hamm’s appearance begs the question: If he’s the one trying to hide, why’s she the one who’s constantly changing her hair, clothes, and glasses? Mama’s confrontational speech reads like a lame Milford Mad Lib:

“You, fantasizing about Marjie Ducey. Me, indulging your fantasy by dyeing my hair blonde and putting on wire-rimmed glasses.”

“You, trying to live down the failed tryout for Colonel Sanders you lost to Norm McDonald. Me, suggesting you should be the one who dyes their hair.”

“You, thinking you can’t be seen. Me, thinking our son can’t see.” Wait, neither of them are thinking this. That’s how this plot has remained even remotely plausible.

Have at it with your own Milford Mad Libs in the comments, gentle readers, and stay dry this weekend.


  1. My word I cant keep up with this woman– now she changed shirts mid-conversation from green to red, and red looks great on her with that auburn hair color. Cant decide what i like best anymore, and thats the best problem this storyline has.

    Comment by robmize2013 — May 7, 2022 @ 2:34 pm

  2. Oh it’s finally dry in Illinois and looking at 90 degree temps next week. This bs will drag on for a while with no clues as to why this jagoff is thee anti selfie. Hey Ned, you are the other Mudhoney fan out there, right? Saw them in Chicago last night. Would have liked to have heard more 80’s/90’s music from them. They played too much post 2010 stuff for me. But still a good show. ROCK ON !!!

    Comment by Jive Turkey — May 7, 2022 @ 3:02 pm

  3. Old man Hammy is right about one thing… the readers are relentless with pointing out the holes in these stories, like instead of worrying about your dumb face being in some stupid pic, worry about your blind-ass kid takin a liner to the face, McDouche. And yes JT, there’s been so much rain in illinois, I was starting to grow webbed feet

    Comment by franku2016 — May 7, 2022 @ 4:01 pm

  4. Okay fine, he’s a corporate whistleblower or something finishing his tell-all book that’s gonna names names… But it still doesn’t change the fact that…

    1. If you’re in danger of being identified and outed, STAY YOUR ASS AT HOME

    2. If you need to go out, PUT ON A FUCKING BALL CAP WITH SOME SUNGLASSES AT THE BARE MINIMUM AND TRY A LITTLE DISCRETION… Please do not call attention to yourself by ducking out of the view of a video camera as if it was a sniper’s crosshairs!

    2a. There’s no rule saying you have to watch the game from the bleachers, either…Watch from the foul lines or through the outfield fence or even from your car…

    3. How on earth have y’all not noticed your son is fucking blind??

    Comment by Hitorque — May 7, 2022 @ 4:31 pm

  5. A Groucho mask would help this story, a lot.

    Comment by Downpuppy — May 8, 2022 @ 6:45 am

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