Hard to argue with the Bible. It just sits there quietly, mocking me.

1/23/12

Can’t you see, these awful tattoo shenanigans are tearing our team apart? If only there was a definitive historical document that could set us all straight…

1/24/12

“Hard to argue with the Bible.”
“Yeah, unless you wanted to point out to Cortez that he’s already breaking Leviticus 21:5: ‘You shall not shave around the sides of your heads, neither shall you disfigure the corners of your beard.’”
“But wait…Cortez, doesn’t even have a beard.”
“You’re a dull boy, Parker. Now as long as we’re in the shower, let’s say we violate us some Leviticus 18:22.”
“You want to wear garments made of two types of material?”
“That’s Leviticus 19:19, dummy. Now kiss me you fool.”

1/25/12

Strange bedfellows indeed. Once Cortex finds out what kind of guy Lini is (the kind of guy who wears garments made of two types of material), he’s gonna be wicked pissed!

And now it’s gotten so tattoo crazy around here, even people we don’t really remember or care about are doing it! So to honor a generic dude with lame ink, more haiku:

Heavens, Tim Summers!
You want your age 18 perks?
Try voting, dumb-ass.

Look, A Panther….In Your Pants!

1/19/12

Are there any high school coaches in the world that would be asking each other if their team is “bonding” or it there are “factions” developing, especially after winning a road game? Well, there are a few that would but only to support the development of a plot about factions. But not just any factions, but completely stupid factions, like one group that wants to ask for commentary from the rest of the team about their junk and another group that would rather not participate.

1/20/12

Oh right, it’s not about junk judging but tattoos, ass ugly tattoos and a few people that seem to be placing undue importance in them.

1/21/12

What the hell, it’s Milford. Let the tat war begin! Ugh.

60% of the time, this blog works every time….

1/16/12

While it’s easy to get distracted by all the flailing beefcake arms, it remains the biggest concern today that this entire portion of the game is being played on the ceiling. Only slack-jawed #30 appears to notice this.

1/17/12

While it’s easy to get distracted by all the excessive Milford molestation of poor #31, it remains the biggest concern today that this entire portion of the game is being played with a stolen ball! I mean look, some dude named “Miny Miinii” wrote his name on it… If only squinty, angry Cortez Beecher didn’t have such horrid vision he would have been the only one to notice this.

1/18/12

While it’s easy to get distracted by all the usual horrid-looking clothing, awkward and unrealistic high-fives and homo-erotic discussion of sex panthers, it remains the biggest concern today that Marty Moon is conducting his entire post-game interview while holding a piece of poo. Gil is of course too liquored up to notice this.

Introduce Yourselves

1/12/12

Hi, I’m Ransom Hale. I’m from New Zealand. I opened a tattoo parlor in Milford, but I’ve found that tattooing alone does not pay the bills, so I sell bootlegged movies from my shop. It’s a genius business plan, especially in a town full of weirdos who are so dumb, they don’t know how to find poor quality bootlegged videos on their Hello Kitty laptops.

Hi, I’m Marty Moon. I just bought this laptop from a pawn shop and I’m bringing it to my gig calling high school basketball to make it look like I know what I’m doing. I’m also going to try dressing like an airline pilot because everybody buys them free drinks. I think those are airline pilots, but I’m going to find out for sure tonight.

Hi, I’m Gil Thorp. I’m coaching basketball and I’m exploring my passion for homosexual innuendo.

1/13/12

Hi, I’m 6-Foot-8 Roland Sanchez, basketball player from Central High. 6-Foot-8 Roland Sanchez is my legal name. My parents really took a gamble on that one. Is it just me or are these guys from Milford somewhat gay?

Hi, Gil here again. This innuendo things is really working great. I’m not sure that kid in the goggles cares much for it, but I’m the coach. You know, the word “innuendo” actually sounds a little gay.

Hi, I’m Lini Verde and I just drained a three pointer. Coach says I should yell SWISH! every time I do that. I really don’t want to. I’ve got to put up with enough crap as it is.

1/14/12

Hi, I’m Bobby Ottewill. I don’t get to do much around here but drain a few jumpers and such. Hey check it out, is that that guy from They Might Be Giants in the stands?!

Hi, it’s Marty again. I really don’t know that much about sports.

Hi, Gil again. I’m running out of vaguely gay things to say so I’ll just call my team “fellas” and leave it at that. Hey what do you think about my jacket? It’s from the Jim Rockford collection.

Holding this tank town for Ransom

1/11/12

Fancy that, something slightly nonsensically interesting is  finally happening around here! So Inky Kitten, or whatever her name might be, whose sole purpose appears to be for Handsome Ransom to have someone to explain his swell business plans to, questions his swell business plan of giving away crappy old VHS tapes. But lo, the teens of Milford crave his wares, as the only previous location for slightly illicit activities was that bodega next to the Bucket…you know, “Tattoos, Piercings, Bootlegs, & Hello Kitty City!” which burned down, along with half the town in 2010.

So now fat dorks in Batman t-shirts who don’t really have girlfriends, but still bafflingly find Kristen Stewart attractive in a gross, sweaty way, finally have a non-streaming method of acquiring their favorite pirated movies! Next customer: this guy.

Maybe Handsome Ransom is smarter than we thought. He’s moved to the only city in America where this store could possibly be successful. (Which is great but for the eventual beatings he’ll receive by the local holier-than-thou coaches.)

 

My Creep Will Go On

1/9/12

Ransom Hale: It’s time for me to hold court, mates!
Sheila 1: Hold court? Uh what? Are you Clambake now?
Ransom Hole: Naw, Sheila E. Though it appears me blond hair from me Jacko Energizer days is growin’ back in.
Sheila 1: Wow, great reference, suddenly creepy old guy. So where are your tattoos?
Jacko Hole: A dingo ate them…which is New Zealand speak for ink chafes me nuts. Wanna see?
Sheila 1: No, not really. But speaking of creep-tastic why don’t you ask us a totally inappropriate sketchy question? My answer will be “A movie that came out when I, as a high school student, was just two.” Bet that makes ya feel old.
Jack-Hole: Oy! Me brain hurts!

1/10/12

Alyssa Lolita: My friends laugh, ’cause I watch something called “cable.” I can’t figure out any other way to access the most popular movie of 1997.
Handsome Ransom Jackoff: Hold on, luv. Do you mind if I whip out this thing I’ve been carrying around in me pants, right near me swollen ink-nuts?
Alyssa Lolita: I’ve stayed this long without fleeing, so sure, my common sense was checked at the door long ago.
Worthless Ransom: Well, then here ya go, it’s the all-Aussie remake of Titanic, starring Yahoo Serious! Rated five didgeridoos!
Alyssa Lolita: Awesome. I guess this means you’re now fully committed to being punched in the face by Gil or Kaz in about two months?
Ransom: You know it Sheila! Me quid are on Kaz!
Alyssa: Great, but I’m allergic to quid.

Next Up: The Shiela With The Botched Nose Piercing

1/5/12

And thus concludes this week’s after school special, “The Boy Who Got Something Really Stupid Inked on His Shoulder”. Thank you Coach Kaz for those stirring words. We shall all take them to heart. I was this close to getting a tat of Gil Thorp being conked on the head with a baseball, but Kaz set me straight (plus I also heard some bad stuff about that guy with the tattooing stall at the flea market).

So what’s more effective in deterring the wave of students getting ink, Kaz’s impassioned speech or Stefan Harvey distractedly pecking at his scabby M on the way down the court?

1/6/12

Nothing says Milford like a crowd full of goobers instantly displaying some weird ritualistic behavior. We now see the birth of the Tat Slap (which is only two letters away from Taint Slap and thus extremely unnerving). Who’s out there slapping their “tats” like they just don’t care? It’s Freckles Versace, Cully Vale’s little brother Skutch Vale,  Skippy McPainterhat, Blondie McStartermullet and John Flansburgh from They Might Be Giants.

Meanwhile, slender soph Ric Devore rejects the idea of joining the inking trend, based on threats of parental violence, He also is distracted by Freckles Versace, who may actually be wearing a Ric Devore mask.

1/7/12

Hullo, Shielas, don’t mind my funky hand, I had too many Fosters’ and mistook it for a bunch of shrimp, so I threw it on the barbie. Pierce your nose? Yeah, I could put a real ripsnorter in your beak, but are any of you ladies interested in getting some work done down under? I could ink your mappa tassie. Um, vegamite, dinkum, kangaroos loose in the top paddock!

 

The Mark of the Beast-Girl

1/2/11

Hey everyone, guess what! Milford has a girls’ basketball team now! And Michael Strahan Tasha Somebody-or-other wants to intimidate people by means other than frightening them with an extreme close-up of her mug. So why not get the Milford M, inked on using the standard 1952 Viewmaster equipment?

1/3/11

Regulations require that as soon as Tasha Strahan comes onto the court, for their own safety everyone must keep their eyes closed at all times…It’s like an Arc of the Covenant kinda thing. So the fact that anyone has scored or rebounded at all is a minor miracle. Hope you’ve been keeping your eyes closed too. Bonk! Let’s just move on…

1/4/11

Yes, Kayla. The tattoo wields magical rebounding power. Now Trisha is off to ask how much it takes to tat the ugly off her face. Now that would be magic.

Meanwhile, the real magic of tattoos we’re learning is they are beginning to turn Kaz into a whiny bitch. Oh Kaz…please don’t complaining about your bad-ass accessories. What next? You’re not going to tire of the mullet and pearl earrings are you? (Don’t you remember when you kicked ass?)