1970s Bush-face Explains it All!

11/10/09

“Hey Ma. Thanks for getting here so quickly! This place is scary…they say the ghost of Bing Crosby shuffles through the halls, pretending to be a doctor!”
“Well, it was a pretty long trip, or maybe it wasn’t? We had that loser Coach Shaw drive us all the way from Milford. He had nothing better to do, and it really wasn’t very far from here…Or wait, was it?”
“Oh and thanks for covering up the high beams you normally have goin’ on at home.”
“Well the jacket’s just for this cold room…how do you think I got us all in here past visiting hours…and got the guard, (who I presume exists, since somebody is supposed to be, you know, WATCHING A PRISONER when he’s not in JAIL??) to go home early?”
“That was quite the parenthetical aside, ma.”
“Thanks!”

11/11/09

“So Campo said somethin’ about my face taunting me, reminding him of  ‘1970s Bush’.  Then he whipped out that pointy thing from his pants and pricked me repeatedly. What a dick!”

Prison Rape Jokes: The staple of any good blog entry!

Reason for hospitalization….falling on a hot dog?

11/6/09

As comic voyeurs we should normally get any angle on a prison fight that would provide the most exciting view. But apparently today we got here late and some other dude is standing in our way. C’mon, move it #3128! I wanna see them whipping out their beef at chow time, and thwacking each other ’til somebody collapses on the floor. Hmmm, on second thought, whatever “drilling” is going on might be best blocked from view. (Aughh my eyes! The goggles, they do nothing!)

11/7/09

As is customary in the North Carolina penal system, rather than contacting any relatives directly, immediately after a prison fight the warden calls the high school coach of any family members, to let them know which hospital to visit. And then the loser assistant coach has to be their chauffeur. Just following standard procedure here, folks.

11/9/09

Since nothing new is happening here, why not look at some hospital comics from three years ago, when Bill Ritter chopped his own leg off? Remember when stuff happened? And the artwork was more insanely fascinating? Ah, the good ol’ days…

The Rube has better things to do.

Somewhere in Detroit:

Neal: Sorry. Had to go write today’s Gil Thorp.
Chief: Not that you actually need to do anything.You could just recap the same awful story. Then I’ll draw prisoners in tight pants for some disturbing reason. I mean really, who cares about this comic?
Neal: A comic? The Rube has better things to do.
(An awkward high five is exchanged.)

It’s also lunchtime at a certain minimum security blog, where one particular blogger is into the third year of his life sentence:

Jason: I sure hope everyone notices my Izod shirt and extra tight pants! Otherwhise I’ll have a beef with them. Or wait…will they beef me? In any case, I’ll beef sure to beef the beef beefingly beefore beef-o-clock. BEEEEEEF!

Beef, it’s what’s for dinner in prison. Also, sodomy.

So we’re back to getting teased with a potential fight in a North Carolina prison, which in context of everything else in Milford lately, is extremely exciting. No doubt that means this side plot will end up in massive disappointment. Oh well, I’ll take what I can get.

Now I’m no expert on prison lingo, but I find it hard to fathom that these guys would be using the word “beef” so much, except in the context of the showers.

More importantly, how did Curly Neal end up in prison, and why is he playing grab-ass with a legless inmate? (Hmm, maybe the second question helps answer the first…)

Speaking of implied sodomy, watch out shadow guy #2, shadow guy #1 has somethin’ for ya when you set that dumbbell back down!

Gonna Need a Montage

Yesterday, alert reader Mike Barfet pointed out that Jam-Jar Lameass’s 98 yard punt return was really not a record. While this would first seem like a real error, we can chalk this up to Marty being a sloppy, careless, porn-addicted drunk who lives in his wooden broadcast booth shanty, at least during football season.

However, there are a couple other things bothering me about the current plot that DO seem like mistakes…or at least don’t make a lick o’ sense. First: Is Duncan now “cured” based on his idiot blond friends telling him they’d help him “be a Boy Scout”, going square dancing and to high-roller croquet tournaments and the like? [Pointless sidebar:] I joined the Scouts in order to start possibly dangerous fires in the woods and terrorize small wildlife, but I don’t think trees exist in Milford except for small children to be trapped in, so the whole nature aspect of the Boy Scouts must be lost on these guys.  [End pointless sidebar...]

So if participating in a few wacky-yet-lame activities is really all it took to turn Duncan from brooding violent loner to happy and lame as everyone else, I feel robbed that we didn’t get to see any of these exciting life-altering experiences. They really needed a montage for this.

Second thing that really bothers me today: What the hell is Gil doing in the third panel? If I didn’t know better, I’d say he was doing COACH WORK. But I do know better. So my guess is he’s figuring out how he can bet on 5-0 Madison to beat  his team Friday without getting busted. Plus drinkin’ Irish coffee. Your guess?

Today, Big Z burger. Tomorrow, hepatitis.

Woohoo, I made it back to post again in less than a week. Good thing I didn’t miss anything interesting, well, except one panel of freakish screaming Kaz.

To recap:

10/27/09

The locker room does seem remarkably loose for the fact that Duncan is about to crush a shirtless 18-inch-tall teammate. I guess he needs to be relaxed in order to successfully mount and rape his opponents on the field.

10/28/09

Now we know why Marty keeps showing up for football games: Free wi-fi connection for fast porn downloading! Certainly it’s not to pay any attention to Charles Bloom, recent inductee into “Milford’s most boring quarterbacks of the twenty-first century” club.

10/29/09

Marty’s portable shanty was the perfect spot to witness a fan get stabbed in the side of the head. Unfortunately, he was too busy watching porn to notice.

10/30/09

…and here we have the only interesting comic of the last six days or so. Let’s just look at Kaz and bask in all his freak hand glory. Then wonder why the field exploded as a result. Then feel sad that Jamarr appears to have survived the blast. Then take a well-deserved nap.

10/31/09

“Happy Halloween! I dressed up as a midget asshole!”
“You look the same as always.”
“Ah, touche.”

11/2/09

We interrupt this awful story of the lying midget asshole to let you know that today at The Bucket you can purchase a Big Z burger for only $3.99! Made from 100% Nutboys*, it’s guaranteed to not make you vomit for the first five bites, or your money back**.  Hey, that skinny band geek Deion likes ‘em! (At least he did, before his unscheduled one way trip to the morgue.)

Now back to the dialogue…wait that chick walked off already. Nevermind, there wasn’t really a story today anyway.

*Well that, plus a bunch of sawdust. Oh and rat droppings.
**Not a guarantee.

One of these days…

One of these days I’ll have time to do another blog update, but today just isn’t it. Sorry…! Feel free to comment on what’s been happening in Milford lately. It does make me feel better that Gil Thorp hasn’t twittered in nearly two months so I’m not the only delinquent in this One-Curley-horse tank town…

Thanks for still reading and commenting, folks! Smell ya soon,

-Deadbeat Blogger

Catawba Prison Blues

10/23/09

Yeah, Gil.You should have told him to start drinking and getting into fights. Mimi’s idea is much better than whatever your bad advice was.

10/24/09

Discussion of bowling, boy scouts, square dancing and croquet by hideous scar-faced teens is about to be interrupted by A PRISON FIGHT. Woo-hoo!

10/26/09

Minor beef? Lame. Or is that just what’s for dinner? Looks like whatever they’re serving is getting washed down with yummy Sticks o’ Lard*.

Meanwhile, something that is apparently hilarious at practice, though the only funny thing I can make out is that Gil is in attendance. And that’s not ha-ha funny. At least now we know massive psychological problems can be easily swept under the rug by having your friends take you for some occasional croquet. Rockin’.

*Now 93% Nutboy free!